3. Penguine Hug Me Good. Please?

I don’t have much time. In 20 minutes from now I have to leave to see my counselor. Which is a relief. Because, I’m currently quite preoccupied with the possibility of cancer.

tumblr_m755efgkv01qery84I saw my lovely lady doctor. She confirmed that there is a little something in one of my breasts, and now I need to schedule an ultrasound. She’s fairly certain it’s just coarse tissue, but who wants to be sorry, when they can be safe? I’m genuinely not that worried. Just this morning I was contemplating the advantage of a flat chest after these years at a DD. Think of the styles I could finally wear!

Whilst in her office, I mentioned my pin-prick-like rash. She thought it was strange and mentioned seeing a dermatologist. I then, of course joked about how one of the causes can be leukemia.


She proceeded to be the wonderful and thorough doctor she is and asked about the weight loss I mentioned earlier to her.

Dr: Have you been dieting and exercising?
Me: No? I mean, I was unemployed and eating at very inconsistent times, then I started working and eat about every two hours, so I’m hoping I managed to jump-start my metabolism or something. (I forgot to mention that I cut out sugar and dairy, and have been off gluten for a long time before that…)
Dr: Have you seen your general doctor about this?
Me: Well, I’m a hypochondriac, so I really try to be selective in what concerns I take seriously…
Dr: (Polite laughter,) Uh-huh, and any night sweats?
Me: No, not night sweats, but chills?
Dr: Okay, well let’s run a CBC as a preliminary measure.


Cut to me w/ that terrible rubber band around my arm, flinching as yet another needle goes into my arm to draw blood. Don’t my fears understand that there are consequences?

37990087So now, I wait out the 24hrs of a wild and dangerous imagination whilst my white-blood cell count is investigated. IF it comes back high, then I suppose that’ll be the rabbit hole to more tests.

2.19 – At least a cancer timeline would provide for ample farewell selfies…I mean, on the upside of things…

photoOf all health concerns, I feel rather insensitive fretting about leukemia, as my roommate’s sister (let’s call her Barbio,) has recently been undergoing tests to rule it out. (How insensitive, right?) I wish it could be helped. After all, it’s probably the ‘reality’ of a young woman having it that sparked the consideration on my end. That and the weird rash…meh. The GREAT news, is that Barbio seems to be on the side of some good news–specialists closer and closer to ruling out the big C. HUZZAH.

For all of my fellow worriers out there, facts and statistics never really matter, do they? I have no family history, I’m a non-smoker (except for those binge-packs of cloves in my early 20’s,) I’m young(mostly,) with no previous conditions or disorders…The lack of sleep tho…those accidental spray-paint fumes tho…those six-months of thinking it was great to drink only Distilled water tho (thanks Mom…) etc.
Serious SmokingOn a positive note, my work with my counselor (as of last week,) has seemed to put a little distance between me and the ledge of sheer panic. I’m still full of thoughts and fears about these horrible ‘what-if’ scenarios, but instead of panic and anxiety, I only feel dread and inevitability. So, progress? Yeah, I’ll take what I can get.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you are well, and feeling held by love today. By a warmth that speaks into those tired and hiding parts of yourself that feel too weak to fight. You are stronger than you know. (In contrast, that sounded entirely cheesy and even a little patronizing. Sincerity. Full stop.)


Now, for some lightheartedness…take the Which House of Cards character are you?’ Quizz. *Spoiler alert* I got Zoe. That’s not a good omen for my kind…
House of Cards Quizz


2nd Dose. Don’t Go Cryin’ To Your Mama. Or do.


I’m listening to the “Catching Fire” soundtrack as I write this, so it seems only appropriate to post the classic JLaw meme. She gets it guys.

Since Saturday, I’ve had an ‘allergic reaction’ to almost everything. I’ve had ‘the flu,’ and there’s even been a slight possibility of stevens-johnson syndrome (don’t google it.)

In the physical world, (and not in the meri-go-round of crazy that is my head,) my left eye-lid is swollen and infected, and it’s taken me 4-days to get the eye drops I need. Given all of the scenarios that could arouse, I could care less.

In addition, it might surprise you, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt myself up. So, the other night in a leisurely bath (we’re in a drought CA, let’s try to save some water…) I was examining my two front friends, and discovered an unwelcome mass in the right one.

Chances are, it’s a harmless cyst, or a milk duct I’ve never felt before (who knows what’s really inside of those things!) The point is, I scheduled a check-up because I’m due for my annual trip to the box-doc, and now it’s out of my mind. C’MON, it’s like crack for a hypochondriac (of any gender,) yet I’m not stirred to plan for a double mastectomy just yet.

Imagined Threat > Real Threat. Every time.

ImageI’m twenty-six, rather independent and self-reliant (or at least I used to be,) but like clockwork, I called my mommy twice today. (I never call her that, it just seemed fitting.)

Yeah. Everyday. Almost everyday, I call my parents on the weaselly ledge of panic.

Image(This is EXACTLY how I don’t look during these phone calls.)

-1st call was during my afternoon break. I had eaten raw pumpkin seeds and then a Kind Bar (almonds, peanuts, sea salt, dark chocolate, YUM.) I was fine, but then I started feeling bumps in my mouth. I looked in the mirror and they looked like hives. WHAT? Over the phone, my dad tried to console me the best he knows how: By relaying information about the Olympic sporting event he was watching.

-2nd call was as I was leaving work and heading to Target to finally pick up my eye-drops. I was in the car, and a lump I’d felt in my throat earlier seemed to be ascending. Big deal! I was losing it. First I checked my purse to find my plexi-glass straw. Yeah.

You know those re-usable tumblers with the straws? Well, I nabbed a straw and keep it in my purse because in my mind, if my throat actually is closing, I could shove that down and preserve a tiny airway so I don’t go completely brain dead by the time I find myself at the ER. Brilliant, right? I’ll be that girl you read about on BuzzFeed who saved herself w/ a straw…

wrappedstrawsWell, like only a nice one can, good ol’ MomPants helped me rationalize that my throat strain was most likely a result of singing all day Sunday–something my frigid vocal chords aren’t quite used to just yet.

So, thoughts from what is pathetically a typical day.
-My job is getting in the way of being a hypochondriac.
-I feel really bad for people with food allergies–and even worse for people with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. (Still, don’t google it.)
-Who deserves death threats from their immune system anyway?

2.10.14 – Go nuts.
This is how I imagine a party girl would take a selfie if she was afraid of biting it in the club. (Add a low-cut shirt and red lips, and maybe some kids doing lines) Image