I don’t have much time. In 20 minutes from now I have to leave to see my counselor. Which is a relief. Because, I’m currently quite preoccupied with the possibility of cancer.
I saw my lovely lady doctor. She confirmed that there is a little something in one of my breasts, and now I need to schedule an ultrasound. She’s fairly certain it’s just coarse tissue, but who wants to be sorry, when they can be safe? I’m genuinely not that worried. Just this morning I was contemplating the advantage of a flat chest after these years at a DD. Think of the styles I could finally wear!
Whilst in her office, I mentioned my pin-prick-like rash. She thought it was strange and mentioned seeing a dermatologist. I then, of course joked about how one of the causes can be leukemia.
She proceeded to be the wonderful and thorough doctor she is and asked about the weight loss I mentioned earlier to her.
Dr: Have you been dieting and exercising?
Me: No? I mean, I was unemployed and eating at very inconsistent times, then I started working and eat about every two hours, so I’m hoping I managed to jump-start my metabolism or something. (I forgot to mention that I cut out sugar and dairy, and have been off gluten for a long time before that…)
Dr: Have you seen your general doctor about this?
Me: Well, I’m a hypochondriac, so I really try to be selective in what concerns I take seriously…
Dr: (Polite laughter,) Uh-huh, and any night sweats?
Me: No, not night sweats, but chills?
Dr: Okay, well let’s run a CBC as a preliminary measure.
Cut to me w/ that terrible rubber band around my arm, flinching as yet another needle goes into my arm to draw blood. Don’t my fears understand that there are consequences?
2.19 – At least a cancer timeline would provide for ample farewell selfies…I mean, on the upside of things…
Of all health concerns, I feel rather insensitive fretting about leukemia, as my roommate’s sister (let’s call her Barbio,) has recently been undergoing tests to rule it out. (How insensitive, right?) I wish it could be helped. After all, it’s probably the ‘reality’ of a young woman having it that sparked the consideration on my end. That and the weird rash…meh. The GREAT news, is that Barbio seems to be on the side of some good news–specialists closer and closer to ruling out the big C. HUZZAH.
For all of my fellow worriers out there, facts and statistics never really matter, do they? I have no family history, I’m a non-smoker (except for those binge-packs of cloves in my early 20’s,) I’m young(mostly,) with no previous conditions or disorders…The lack of sleep tho…those accidental spray-paint fumes tho…those six-months of thinking it was great to drink only Distilled water tho (thanks Mom…) etc.
On a positive note, my work with my counselor (as of last week,) has seemed to put a little distance between me and the ledge of sheer panic. I’m still full of thoughts and fears about these horrible ‘what-if’ scenarios, but instead of panic and anxiety, I only feel dread and inevitability. So, progress? Yeah, I’ll take what I can get.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you are well, and feeling held by love today. By a warmth that speaks into those tired and hiding parts of yourself that feel too weak to fight. You are stronger than you know. (In contrast, that sounded entirely cheesy and even a little patronizing. Sincerity. Full stop.)
Now, for some lightheartedness…take the Which House of Cards character are you?’ Quizz. *Spoiler alert* I got Zoe. That’s not a good omen for my kind…
House of Cards Quizz